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[as published in Natural Horse Magazine, Vol. 6 Issue 1, Jan/Feb 2004]
 Loss and grief touch everyone at some point in their lives. Processing grief
over the loss of a beloved animal companion is an up and down process.
Moving through the stages of shock, denial, sadness, anger, and other
emotions may happen quickly. Or it may take years to complete, in an upward
spiraling through levels of the same emotions until we reach a place of
peace and clarity. That peace and clarity may come from understanding and
accepting the cycle of birth, death and rebirth, or the concept of an
afterlife, or any number of other ways.
When your animal
companion feels like (is) a "familiar", an animal "soulmate" if you will,
the impact of their passing is hard to explain to people who have not
experienced such depth of connection with an animal. I still miss my beloved
Thoroughbred, Oh So Native, most affectionately known as "Bubba". He died
suddenly at the age of 14 from a small bowel impaction. He was my
"familiar", the other half of me, the part that lived freely and completely
and in tune with the cycles of nature. I was out of town the morning he
died, and I was devastated when I received the call. I could not comprehend
how this could have occurred -- he was fine when I left him. His death sent
me into a deep, emotionally numbing depression for a very long time. Even
with all I know and understand about spirituality and animals, I did not
handle my grief well -- it overwhelmed me.
Six months after Bubba
departed for a new adventure, I quit my job and traveled overseas for a much
needed break from the everyday world. There were some very special moments
during my trip which reconfirmed the unbroken spiritual connection Bubba and
I share. One confirmation occurred in Bali, Indonesia while visiting a
monastery from the 1100s with a small group of very special people. The
monastery was a series of archways and hollows carved out of lava rock in
the side of a mountain. If you'd met Bubba, you would know that he had his
own particular smell. It was that wonderful bury-your-nose-in-their-neck
smell of horse, but he also smelled like a warm male-oriented potpourri --
earth, sun, wind, spices, moss, pine and more -- it was and still is very
hard to describe. When a friend of mine, J., connected with Bubba the
night he passed over, we were talking and suddenly she became silent. I
asked her what was wrong and she said, in a quiet choked voice, "I just
smelled Bubba". J., who lives in Colorado, had never met him but she was
greeted with his smell as confirmation for me that he was with us. The same
thing happened when a friend, A., visited me a few days after he passed. She
was also greeted with his particular scent, as well as the scent of roses
(in Christian religions, the smell of roses is representative of the Christ
Consciousness). A. had been with Bubba during part of his transition, sang
songs to him (she has a hauntingly beautiful voice), told him how much I
loved him and that it was okay for him to go, and held the space as he
shifted into the Light. We three women were part of the group which went to
Bali. While walking around a corner of rock in that monastery, I literally
ran into a wall of that smell. It emanated from the rock. We stood for
several minutes, breathing in that wonderful scent and feeling our
connection to the All, the Source. It was an incredible, unforgettable
moment in my life. But I hadn't quite gotten the message . . .
 I then traveled from
Bali to Australia, still numb with grief and completely exhausted. One
evening, while in the middle of the Outback on a cattle station, I decided
to take a sunrise ride the next morning with one of the cowhands. Due to a
serious car accident 18 months prior to Bubba's passing, I had been ordered
not to ride, and very ungraciously complied. I had to settle for watching
Bubba for hours from my chair on the patio or through my bedroom window. I
felt nervous and guilty that morning about riding another horse, but did so
anyway. There was an urgency about doing so that I couldn't understand --
that is, until we walked through a beautiful, misty pasture just as the sun
rose. The sky was gently tinged with pastel colors of rose, peach, gold and
lavender, the air was cool, and the land was peacefully silent. Then from
nowhere (or so it seemed), a small herd of cattle came rushing up to us.
They came to a sudden stop and stared at us for several minutes in
complete silence. There was a sense of bonding I cannot explain, and then .
. . I really looked around me. I saw a breathtaking panorama of trees,
earth, animals, sky . . . and on the ground was a carpet of purple flowers
on leafy stalks. I was dumbfounded. Here, in the middle of nowhere
Australia, in their late spring/early summer season (this was November),
were these flowers blooming as far as the eye could see. These flowers,
which would be called weeds by some, were the exact same flowers that
bloomed in Bubba's pasture and that I so loved to look at. I got the
message but it took me a while to acknowledge it (more about that in a
bit).
I came back from
Australia in a depressive funk and remained that way for quite some time. I
had no energy to work through my grief, and I often could not emotionally
connect with others or with my beloved dog, Max. He patiently waited for me
to return to myself. What finally pushed me up out of that dark pit into
daylight was as simple as a line in a paperback novel (paraphrased): If
loving them causes this much pain, then maybe loving them was wrong, and
that should never be the case because that wasn’t the intent behind such
love and companionship. So I took that to heart – and it helped me reconcile
my grief to the point where memories of Bubba rarely bring me sadness.
Rather, they bring me warmth and smiles and a sense of humility that I was
blessed to have such a deep spiritual connection with a non-human being.
The message I came to
understand is . . . We are all connected, there is no division, no break in
the ties that bind us, the love energy does not dissipate. It is
never-ending. And no matter where you go, there you are. You are everywhere,
you are everyone and everything, you are a piece of the whole and are the
whole, all at the same time. There is synchronicity and purpose and a
bigger picture at play that we often cannot see. I finally understood that
Bubba had left his physical vehicle but his soul and spirit were a part of
the All, and accessible to me at any time.
He moved to a higher
plane for new lessons and roles, and I do not feel the same type of
connection with his spirit/soul essence very often now. However, the divine
gift of the deep love and spiritual connection we shared is still accessible
to me just by asking for it to be so, and has changed me forever.
Bubba's passage through
the Light had nothing to do with me; he did not "leave" or "abandon" me, but
that was how I felt for a long time. How could he leave me, how could he
break our physical bond? I slowly came to understand that he had his
journey to complete in this lifetime, then it was time to move to the next
place, the next lesson, the next spiritual position. Our paths ran parallel
for a time, and we have had many lifetimes together. When his work, his
journey, here was done, his soul was ready for a new adventure, and he
departed. It was time for me to take the next step on my own path, by
myself. Understanding this has strengthened me, and given me a new view
about the cycle of life.
"And
the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom." (Anais Nin, 1903-77,
France) I chose to honor Bubba
best by living my life in as joyful a manner as possible (not always easy!),
to engage again in my dance with the Universe, and to fulfill the spiritual
and soul purposes of my life. I believe the work I do for and
 on behalf of
animals, especially since his passing, is a direct result of the gift of
Bubba's love and compassion throughout our ten years together. I stumbled
across the following (there are no accidents) a few
years ago. It has been a powerful motivator for me, giving me the freedom
to fully own who I am and to follow my heart's desire of working with
animals in my own unique way:
"Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We
ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small
does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make
manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us;
it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own
fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
[by Marianne Williamson from A Return to
Love (made famous by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 Inaugural Address)]
Amen to that. We each
have special ways we can be of service to others, in a manner that brings us
joy -- that's part of our purpose for being here, on this planet. If you
are hiding your unique gifts and talents, then please step out into the
Light. We need you! As a therapist once said to me, "feel the fear and do
it anyway". I've made it my personal mantra; feel free to make it yours
too.
There are a number of
books available which address the issue of loss of an animal companion. One
I like and recommend is Blessing the Bridge : What Animals Teach Us About
Death, Dying , and Beyond, by Rita M. Reynolds. From her book: "Animals
are masters in their own manner of the flow of birth, growth, death, and
beyond. They continue to impress upon me the importance of preparing - not
out of fear, but out of wonderment - for one of the most important events in
life: death. The animals have taught me ways to approach death and dying
that can enrich and enlighten." (p. 3)
The
Question of Whether to Euthanize or Not.
Please see
Communication FAQs, page 1, for information which may help you determine
whether euthanasia is the right step for you and your animal companion, and
how you will know when the time is right. See my
Books-Inspirational/Spiritual
page at the bottom for books which can assist you with making the decision
regarding whether euthanasia is the right step for you and your animal
friend.
Links.
Cornell University has an
extensive website covering the facts about euthanasia, the stages of
grieving, books for children, other sites of interest, and they also offer a
grief support hotline. Please see
http://web.vet.cornell.edu/public/petloss/. If you run a search for the term "pet
grief" on the Internet, you will find many pages of links. One is
For Every Dog an Angel.
For Children:
http://www.creatures.com/PetLoss.html there is a link to
stories for kids, including a child's bedtime story of the Rainbow Bridge.
http://www.rememberingpets.com/index.html Created by Gina Dalpra-Berman, author of Remembering Pets: A Book
for Children Who Have Lost a Special Friend (see book page, below).
Support Groups
and Websites.
There are many wonderful support groups on-line (such as through Yahoo.com),
as well as websites, which deal with this subject.
Websites:
Please first visit the Pet Loss Comfort Community website
www.petseverlasting.com and
their chatgroup Forums
www.petseverlasting.com/friends. Helpful information, links, resources
such as books, memorial products, a place to write a memorial to your pet,
and more are available to you here.
www.chaplainofpets.com is a
beautiful site with many lovely writings and poems, as well as blessings for
living and departed animals which you can do yourself.
http://www.pet-loss.net/ Has an
excellent article called Ten Tips on Coping With Pet Loss by Moira Anderson
Allen, M.Ed., as well as great information, links, etc.
www.mypetloss.com Another site which
offers comfort.
Chatlists:
http://www.pethobbyist.com/PetLoss.html,
http://www.petloss.com/,
http://www.avma.org/care4pets/losshotl.htm, and
http://www.rainbowbridge.org/.
Another is
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PetPrayer, which is a list consisting of
members with various beliefs and backgrounds who are willing to pray as a
group for situations involving animals or humans.
Scriptural Verses About God's Care of the Animals:
Please visit www.asktheanimals.com.
This beautiful was site created by Lisa Riordan after the loss of
her beloved cat, Girlcat. Lisa says, "The quote "ask the animals" is from
Job. I spent many hours studying many translations of the Bible (including
original language interlinears) and discovered the reasoning in the Bible
about animals' future. I offer this site for those of the Christian faith
and anyone else who may find solace in these scriptures."
Books.
See my Books-Inspirational/Spiritual
page at the bottom for books about the souls of animals, the lessons they
impart to us, and more. The list includes books for children to help them
deal with death and grief. For a wonderful audiobook, see Legacies of
Love: A Gentle Guide to Healing from the Loss of Your Animal Loved One by
Teresa Wagner. This can be ordered through
www.amazon.com or by credit card at 800-356-9315. A portion of all
proceeds are donated to animal shelters. Animal shelters receive a special
50% discount on orders of 10 or more copies. From the brochure: "With
extraordinary empathy and love, this audiobook brings you a compelling
message of hope and renewal. Author and reader, Teresa Wagner, gently leads
you through a journey of understanding grief and why animal loss is
different. You learn tools to not only cope with grief, but to truly
heal and finding meaning from loss. And you are guided through a magical
meditation to help you more easily accept letting go. To connect with the
spirit of your animal loved one. . . for always. You are filled with grace.
With Love. And your heart goes on." Ms. Wagner holds a masters degree
in counseling and has facilitated emotional healing for thousands of
individuals grieving the loss of animal loved ones through private
consultations and workshops throughout the U.S. since 1986. Her work is
devoted to helping others find the growth and gifts the healing process can
bring.
Two books I
highly recommend are Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates and
Cold Noses II: Examining More Evidence, which you can purchase
either through my site Books-Inspirational/Spiritual
or directly through
www.coldnosesbook.com, where you can request autographed copies.
www.coldnosesbook.com is a
wonderful site offering encouragement to those who have lost pets and
addressing the question of animal afterlife. You'll find articles and
resources for animal lovers as well as excerpts and online ordering for
"Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" - a must read book for anyone who keeps and
loves animals.
http://www.dogshavesouls.com/
Site of the writers of Dogs Have Souls Too, and you can purchase the
book through the site. As with most things on my site that reference a
particular species, your animal friend's species can be substituted here
with the same meaning.
Bach
Flower Essences. The loss of a beloved animal companion is
a profoundly emotional experience, and the grief can be overwhelming. Please consider purchasing a bottle of the Bach Flower Essence known as "Rescue
Remedy". This can be found at most health food stores and even certain grocery
stores. A dose is 4 drops; shake or tap the bottle lightly 8 times (each
time before you take a dose), then take one dose every 5 minutes until you feel
yourself relaxing and becoming centered again. Then take one dose every
hour or as needed during this time. The flower essences are not drugs,
herbs or homeopathy. They are vibrational essences (energy), and work to
rebalance dis-ease in the mind, emotions and spirit. It is an important
tool to keep on hand, as it can also be given to animals in this manner.
It is especially useful in cases of trauma, shock, fright/terror, anxiety, pain . . .
and especially so with grief. If there are other animals in the household
and they are exhibiting signs of grief, depression, apathy (perhaps they
stop interacting with you, they spend a lot of time alone, they don't want
to eat, they are lethargic), and there's no medical reason for this, then
please give them Rescue Remedy as well, on the same schedule as you do for
yourself, until they work through their immediate deep feelings about the
loss of their companion. Then use as needed. See my
Bach Flower Essences page for more
information on dosing.
Building a Memorial One last thought on this subject:
consider building a memorial to your animal in your home. This may or may
not be something that you keep in place forever. But especially at the
beginning, prepare a small table or shelf with items which bring loving
memories to your heart. Include photos, feathers, stones and crystals; a
candle or two; small objects that have sentimental value; the animal's
collar or tags if that feels right; a favorite toy; anything that resonates
with you for the energy of what you're creating. Place a poem or a
prayer on the table that touches you deeply, that reminds you of the life of
your animal friend, and that brings you comfort. When you feel ready,
and only when you're ready, dismantle the memorial as lovingly as you built
it. You are not closing your life to your beloved animal's spirit by doing
so. Rather, you are acknowledging the gifts your animal brought to your life
and your heart, and moving on with your life in a self-loving, heartful
manner. Know that your animal is in your heart always, that love does
not die, and they are with you still.
Pet
Urns, Caskets, Memorials and Keepsakes
www.allaboutpeturns.com
(330-219-8628) is the one-stop-shopping place to find the highest
quality and most diverse items. Tammy Schmitt, owner of the company, has
lovingly drawn together a very wide variety of types, styles, sizes, you
name it. I've never seen a collection like it. Tammy is a licensed Funeral
Director of nearly 10 years and as a pet lover deeply understands your
desire to honor your pet in the most fitting way for you. All About Pet
Urns.com gives individual care and personal service and has the quality
resources available to save you time and to guide your and your family
through the most difficult time of memorializing the love of your pet. From
earth friendly to bold, they offer the best selections and quality to fit
your pet memorial needs with the high quality of service you deserve.
Whether you are looking for affordability, personalized or something special
for the young in your home, you'll find it at All About Pet Urns.com.
Because of their dedication to their clients and pets, they understand the
uniqueness to every family of the perfect memorial or urn, so they offer
only the highest quality hand crafted, engravable and personalizable
selection. The selection of pet urns range from pendants, keepsakes,
biodegradable, scattering, fabric, water soluble sea urns, all natural
material, art draw-on paper urns, porcelains, natural stone, memorial
planters, photo urns, and urns of bronze, pewter and copper, cloisonné,
ceramic, pottery, glass, crystal, and hand blown glass, granites, cultured
marble, and wood.
All About Pet Urns.com has many sizes and styles to select from like
Memorial Keepsake Pendants in Sterling Silver or 14K Gold which hold just a
small token of cremated remains to a more standard size of keepsake and
remembrances pet urns that may hold any where from 7 to 14 cubic inch to pet
urns that can hold 21 to over 100 Cubic Inch of cremated remains. All About
Pet Urns.com also offers a terrific selection of blooming memorials, custom
stone markers even pet caskets & biodegradable caskets. All About Pet
Urns.com offers for the purchaser’s shopping convenience special guides to
help them make informed decisions on the size they will need for their
selection, like an urn capacity guide or a guide about how to measure the
pet for the best casket selection.
As a pet owner, Tammy understands the unconditional love given by our pets.
This is why she and the company work so hard to give their customers and
their families the care, quality and service to create the perfect
everlasting memorial. They also provide a grief support link directory on
their site.
www.angelashes.com For Pet Owners
who have lost or may be losing their best friend, this site offers a unique
line of pet urns. In addition to offering personalized pet urns of the
highest quality, their website provides Pet Owners with information on pet
cremation, as well as pet loss poems.
For beautiful
sympathy cards, artwork and memorials incorporating loving poems about
animals (horses and others), visit
http://hoofprints.com/.
Photographic Memorial/Tribute Grateful Dog Design
was lovingly created by Stuart Phillips, an animal lover and photographer.
Grateful Dog Design specializes in custom photographic Rainbow Bridge and
other pet loss photo memorials (all species, not just dogs). They
offer two different types of pet loss photo memorials: single-image
memorials and montage memorials, up to 11x14” (or larger, by special
arrangement). Each memorial is made "from scratch" in Adobe Photoshop,
printed on fine Epson paper using archival ink and is shipped only after you
approve a "digital proof" of the final product. Text of your choice can be
superimposed on or near the pet's image. There are many poems/writings
available, or you may provide your own written memorial (check with Stuart
regarding sizing/number of words). I find the pricing very reasonable
(starting at $30) for such high quality, beautiful and lasting memorials. A
portion of all proceeds are donated to the Humane Society/SPCA and other
nonprofit animal protection organizations. If you would like a photographic
tribute for your living pet, that can be arranged as well. See
www.grateful-dog.com. Here are two
examples:
Sketches and
Engraved Urns
Judith K. Nelson, "Artist
Extraordinaire" Judy (www.judysimagesoflife.com)
creates beautiful pencil and ink sketches, plus other objects of art, and
they're just beautiful! She also carves beautiful wooden urns with your pet's
likeness for the ashes of your departed animal friend. When doing sketches, she works from photographs and
also calls on the animal's spirit to help her. The result is a sketch that absolutely
captures the essence and spirit of your animal. Judy sketched my Max, Barney
and Miss Cali and I couldn't be more pleased. I hope you'll take a few moments
to check out her website, whether for yourself or in consideration of giving a
gift of her work to a friend or family member. The below picture is of the
colored pencil sketch she created for me.
Communication Session If you would like a communication session with
your animal In Spirit, please contact me at
kat@katberard.com or 210-402-1220.
Poems The poems found
on the "Loss and Grief: Poems" page (click Next Page
button below) touched me deeply, and brought me peace. Perhaps they will do
the same for you too, even if your animal friend's species is different from
those portrayed.
A Parting Prayer
Author unknown
Dear Lord, please open your gates and call St. Francis to come escort this
beloved companion across the Rainbow Bridge. Assign her to a place of honor,
for she has been a faithful servant and has always done her best to please
me. Bless the hands that send her to you, for they are doing so in love and
compassion, freeing her from pain and suffering.
Grant me the strength not to dwell on my loss. Help me remember the details
of her life with the love she has shown me. And grant me the courage to
honor her by sharing those memories with others. Let her remember me as well
and let her know that I will always love her. And when it's my time to pass
over into your paradise, please allow her to accompany those who will bring
me home.
Thank you, Lord, for the gift of her companionship and for the time we've
had together. And thank you, Lord, for granting me the strength to give her
to you now. Amen. |
